Let Me Go
by cheergirlejami
Summary: A simple Christmas tale for EJami since I didn't like what actually happened on the show this year. Sami's POV about the holiday and more importantly EJ.


Author's note: While 2013 was a stellar year for EJami fans, I wasn't happy with the Christmas episode at all. I wanted EJami together for Christmas so I decided to write:

_A Simple Christmas Story_

Yes, I know Christmas is over and the new year has begun, but this story is a one shot, something that rarely happens with my writing. I thought EJ and Sami deserved a better Christmas tale than the one they got on the show.

This story is all from Sami's POV, hope you enjoy.

Karen

**_Let Me Go_**

_Love that once hung on the wall  
Used to mean something, but now it means nothing  
The echoes are gone in the hall  
But I still remember, the pain of December_

_Oh, there isn't one thing left you could say_  
_I'm sorry it's too late_

When she was a little girl she absolutely loved the holidays, being with her family, feeling loved, warm and protected. Never a thought that life would change so drastically for her, but it had and she went from having a sheltered life to one that brought loss and heartache at each and every turn.

She'd always blamed Stefano DiMera for being the culprit, the Grinch who had stolen not only the joy of Christmas from her, but the very security she had mistakenly believed existed when she was a child. It was easier to blame someone, an entity who embodied evil. Stefano was the boogeyman for her twin brother Eric and herself growing up. He wasn't some imaginary characterization, he had been real and he had taken her childhood dreams and turned them into ghastly nightmares, ones that still haunted her to this very day.

Who would have ever thought that one day she'd come to love and even have children with the son of the man who had terrified her endlessly? It just didn't seem possible, but it was and now as she looked around the darkened room in the mansion where she and EJ argued many times over she wondered if they would ever come to fully trust one another again.

At the moment it seemed hopeless, they were at an impasse. One she wasn't sure they would ever overcome. She was torn, one part of her desperately wanted to run to EJ, to forget the reason why she was so upset with him in the first place, the other part of her screamed that she couldn't let this go. She may not be the most ethical person, but even she had principles.

Trust was everything, something neither of them had had with one another for years. Long years that had been nothing short of angst and deep regrets on both sides. Hurting each other had been commonplace between them and then they had gotten past all of that, they had broken free from the past mistakes and began anew.

At the beginning of this year, she had been hopeful of a future with EJ. She had finally seen Rafe for what he was, a man who had tried to mold her into something she would never be no matter how hard she tried. She wasn't a saint, didn't have the desire to be holier than others and she'd finally accepted who she was, a woman with many faults, but also one who could love deeply and be deeply loved in return without having to sacrifice who she was in the process. EJ had shown her the love and devotion she had always dreamed of having, no schemes to trap him into loving her, he just loved her even when she was truly unlovable.

She knew she was selfish many times, but she was also capable of great giving, it just wasn't something most people wanted from her because frankly they didn't understand her. Then the nagging thought that had been at the back of her mind ever since she had banished EJ from her bed was of the man who understood her better than she understood herself most times. The man who wasn't afraid to call her on her bullshit and she had always seen fit to call him on his as well.

EJ loved her even when she was pushing him away at each and every turn. All she had to do was let him back in, she had shut the proverbial door on him again, spurned any attempt of his lately to show her any modicum of affection. Once more she realized she was taking him for granted thinking he would always be there for her no matter what she did or threw at him.

The days had passed since they had talked and even though neither one of them had given an inch in telling the real truths beyond her admitting it was because she loved him so much that is made it difficult for her to be in the same room with him. She had hoped her admission would have brought out whatever it was EJ had been keeping from her still, but he hadn't come clean so she chose to keep her secrets from him as well.

_I'm breaking free from these memories  
Gotta let it go, just let it go  
I've said goodbye  
Set it all on fire  
Gotta let it go, just let it go_

It had been a huge relief to find her missing earring; at least something was going her way thanks to her daughter Allie telling her that their cousin Ciara had been given an earring just like the one she was missing. After her brief struggle with Ciara over reclaiming her lost earring she had thought she was in the clear about EJ ever finding out she had lost something so valuable. She had almost choked when Kate had told her how much the earrings had cost. While she knew they were expensive she hadn't realized how much money EJ had spent on her Valentine's Day present.

Looking in the mirror she actually smiled, her telling Hope how much the earrings had meant to her had been the truth. She recalled the holiday vividly in which she had completely misinterpreted EJ's intentions, thinking he was going to propose to her when much to her chagrin he hadn't done so on that particular day.

Looking down at her hands though and seeing the beautiful engagement ring which now resided on her left hand she almost couldn't believe it the day EJ had actually proposed to her. It hadn't been the first time he had proposed marriage to her, but this last time had been the one where she had felt he had exposed his true heart to her and while she had been hesitant to believe him at first given their past history, she had been happy, truly happy to accept his proposal of marriage. They had discovered so many new things about each other when she had finally opened up her heart to him.

EJ could bring about changes in her mood abruptly, but the most surprising thing was that he had brought laughter back into her life. She remembered laughing with him, of feeling carefree and seeing EJ with a light in his eyes when he looked at her that she had never seen before.

She should have known that period of time would be short lived; she'd made some foolish choices, accepting a gun from Kate had been one of them. While she was confident she had saved Rafe's life by shooting Joseph Bernardi she had come so close to losing her family with EJ and her freedom in the process. Those months in jail awaiting the trial and then fearing she would be convicted had frightened her more than she had ever been in her entire life.

She thought of the love letters they had written each other when she was at the lowest point in her life, the pledges of love they had made to one another. She'd never felt this way about anyone the way she felt about EJ. She hadn't anticipated that her emancipation from the debacle of the trial had been all because of what EJ had sacrificed for her.

She couldn't even image EJ debasing himself to Stefano, begging his father to take everything back for her. Would she have done the same for EJ? It made her ashamed to think of all EJ had given up for her especially after she had pitched such a hissy fit declaring she and the children would be moving out when she realized Stefano was back in power once more. She'd just reacted without thinking, something she was good at, hell she was golden when it came to jumping to conclusions, always thinking the worse of EJ even when he didn't deserve it.

Not that he was a paragon of virtue, he would scoff at such a thing, but he was a man who when he gave his word, he kept it even when it meant he could lose everything in the process. She had thought he could renege on his promise to his father, yet he hadn't even when she had been furious with him.

Now she had done it again, helping Gabi cover up Nick's murder along with Kate. What had she been thinking? Truth was she hadn't been thinking of the consequences, that she could lose her precious family once more because of her reactionary nature. She had hated keeping the secret from EJ, although a part of her argued that he kept what Kristen had done to her twin brother from her and she was hurt with him at what she viewed as a betrayal to their love.

Had she missed EJ being in her bed after she had banished him from it? She had tried to turn it around on EJ telling him all he was interested in was the sex because that was what all the other men she was romantically involved with over the years had wanted from her. It was something she was good at having control over them, but the thing was with EJ she wasn't in control. She was a freaking mess at the moment, she missed EJ terribly, missed the closeness they had shared however briefly it may have been.

So much loss she thought wryly as she looked once more at herself in the mirror, thinking of how she had just been going through the motions lately. It was strange, some ways she felt more alive than ever, others however proved just how dead she was to her former naïve world she where she used to belong. She used to think she could do anything and EJ would be there for her. Hell, she'd even shot him and he'd somehow managed to forgive her for that trespass. Then again he had kidnapped Sydney and made her believe their child was dead, so she could rationalize her actions slightly.

_You came back to find I was gone  
And that place is empty, like the hole that was left in me  
Like we were nothing at all  
It's not what you meant to me  
Thought we were meant to be_

_Oh, there isn't one thing left you could say_  
_I'm sorry it's too late_

This Christmas she didn't even feel like celebrating the season at all, but she would for their children, her sweet children who didn't deserve to have such an emotionally fucked up mother. EJ was fucked up too, they both were damaged goods, and sometimes she thought her children would be better off without either one of them. Then as soon as that thought hit her she knew she could never leave her children. Things were just a mess.

It was surreal all the things she and EJ had done to one another and sometimes she wondered if she would get to a place where the ache in her heart wouldn't seem like a knife cutting her into if she let those memories back in, it was better to push them away, keep them safely tucked in a hidden corner. It was easier to push things aside, for her to tell herself that she would deal with it tomorrow and then tomorrow turned into the next day, and the next and they kept growing further apart.

_I'm breaking free from these memories  
Gotta let it go, just let it go  
I've said goodbye  
Set it all on fire  
Gotta let it go, just let it go_

The sadness in her heart of trying to keep EJ at arm's length was amplified tenfold. How was she supposed to be cheerful and happy for the holidays with such misery that surrounded her soul like a dark cloak? If she wasn't careful, she would be facing murder charges along with Gabi and Kate. No wonder she had slipped up and EJ had figured out she had been up to something.

So she had finally admitted the truth to EJ about her part in Nick's demise after EJ kept questioning her. Then she had felt a sliver of relief after he figured out the truth of the matter. EJ DiMera was many things, but stupid wasn't one of them even if he had married Nicole Walker way back when.

Stefano interrupting them when EJ had told her he would always be there for her and pulled her into a tight hug had broken the mood between them once more and she had purposely went her own way instead of allowing EJ to comfort her more than the brief hug they had shared.

She hadn't asked him to come to Midnight Mass with her and the children. When he suggested that he would stay home to make sure all the Christmas gifts would be ready for the children, she had let him. She didn't want to give him false hope that she was forgiving him, so she'd let him be alone. Thus missing another important Christmas tradition they could have been making with their children this year.

So instead of spending Christmas Eve in the arms of the man she loved, she had chosen to be alone. She'd spent the night dreaming of him; at least her subconscious wanted him back with her even if her stubbornness prevented her from asking him if she could come back into his bedroom, what had become their bedroom for a short period of time.

Her pride kept her from many things, his did too. He hadn't asked to come with her to her family gathering on Christmas day and she wouldn't dare ask him to come with her either. What was even more hilarious was her mother chastising her that EJ should have come with her, been a part of the family celebration. Her weak excuses to her mother and her twin brother Eric really didn't hold up under scrutiny, but they hadn't pressed her further.

Then the breaking point had hit her, when that gold digging whore Nicole Walker dared to come to the pub when she hadn't even allowed EJ to come, but Eric was welcoming Tricky Nicky with open arms, even asking her to stay, but at least she had the decency to decline, but not before Sydney had run up to Nicole and called her Mommy Nicole. Luckily the kids left Nicole as quickly as they had come to see her for the few brief moments she had given them Christmas presents.

Sami had swallowed her rage; Sydney was an innocent in all of Nicole's machinations to keep them apart. Her daughter would never remember the loss time that Sami had endured from what Nicole had done to her. The hell Nicole had put her and EJ through wasn't something she would ever get over.

And now she was supposed to stand there and smile like that baby kidnapping bitch hadn't done a damn thing wrong. What was her brother thinking? Hell what was she thinking? She loved Eric, she truly did, but she'd estranged herself from EJ to defend his honor over something EJ's sister Kristen had done, not him.

He'd told her he'd known only an hour before the wedding began of Kristen's scheme to bed her brother even though she was marrying the other one. Kristen was a bitch, that wasn't a secret to anyone in Salem. She'd been hurt at EJ for keeping things from her and she had manifested that hurt to epic proportions.

She was punishing EJ, by not allowing him to come with her, to share in the holiday with her and the children. It hit her hard, her conscience was bothering her. She walked over to her mother and asked her for a huge favor, could she watch the children for her because she needed to leave for a little while, there was something very important she needed to do.

She had to go make things right with EJ.

_I let it go, and now I know  
A brand new life, is down this road_

_And when it's right, you always know  
So this time, I won't let go_

_There's only one thing left here to say_  
_Love's never too late_

After leaving the pub, she had driven like a madwoman to get back to the DiMera mansion. She didn't want to waste another second away from EJ. Even though she was still hurt with him, she knew deep down in her heart she loved him and she didn't want any more regrets hanging over them. There had been way too many in the past and she didn't want her future littered with them too.

She found him in the study, thankfully he was alone, even though she would have told Stefano to take his leave from them if she had found him with EJ. She wasn't going to allow Stefano to steal anymore of her Christmas' nor was she going to let her anger with Kristen steal her joy from being with EJ.

That was if he'd have her. She'd been pretty cold to him lately, distant and moody could be added to the list as well. She really didn't deserve for him to want to be with her, but she was going to try. Pride really sucked when all you wanted was to wrap your arms around the man you loved instead.

His back was turned to her; he was watching the fire burn, a glass of bourbon in his hand. The sight made her heart ache; EJ was all alone again because of her.

She took a cautious step towards him, not wanting to take him unawares and spoke a quiet hello in greeting.

The curious look her gave her over her arrival was something she should have expected.

"What are you doing back here so soon? I didn't think you and the children would be home all day."

"Didn't feel much like celebrating without you," Sami admitted with a shrug.

"Am I being visited by the ghost of Christmas past, present or future?" EJ asked in that sarcastic way of his that sometimes drove her crazy, well most times drove her crazy.

"Maybe a vision of all three," Sami answered as honestly as she could as she walked over to where he sat and perched herself upon the arm of the chair.

She could tell that he wasn't sure of her motives as he pulled back away from her slightly, not allowing them to touch one another and it struck a chord within her of how much her distance had hurt him these past few weeks. It was strange for their roles to be reversed and it worried her.

So she was going to bring in a little Christmas cheer to him whether he liked it or not.

"You know we are dysfunctional enough alone, not to mention how much more it intensifies when we Brady's all gather together," Sami knew she sounded jaded and she was, this past year had been nothing short of hell for her in some aspects, heavenly in others and the heavenly parts had been mainly due to the man who was trying his best not to touch her at the moment. Apparently all he wanted to do was get drunk and try to forget Christmas was even happening in Salem today.

"I hate I'm missing all the fun then," EJ stated matter of fact with more than a tinge of hurt belying in his tone.

"It's not really fun without you," Sami said softly.

"Misery loves company?" EJ asked with a raise of his brow.

"Something like that," Sami leaned in to him, taking his drink from him and placing it on the side table without losing her balance.

"Samantha, I don't know what you expect from me," he began only to have her cut him off with a kiss.

Things spiraled quickly between them since it had seemed like forever since they had last kissed. She placed her hands on his shoulders so that she wouldn't slide off the chair into the floor and his hands went to her waist holding her in place. They kissed like they were starved for one another doing nothing more than reveling in the feeling of belonging in each other's arms once more.

She heard him groan and she felt herself grow wet knowing how much their kisses were affecting him. She had missed him, missed this closeness, and had missed the fire that always flamed up between them. The desire had never left her, she'd just kept it tamped down, ignoring it, but she didn't want to push these feelings aside anymore.

Her body shifted and she maneuvered herself into his lap and there was no denying the arousal he had as soon as she came into contact with his erection that was straining against his dress pants. He mumbled something before leaving her lips and finding that sensitive spot on her neck that she loved for him to kiss, which made her nipples harden as he gently sucked on her neck, then he pulled away from her just before he moved his hands upward from her waist.

"I have to say something," EJ said brokenly as if he were on the verge of losing control completely.

Sami looked at him blearily, the feel of his hardness against her, made her body throb with need. She ground her backside against him instinctively. She wasn't going to deny either one of them the pleasure they could only find with each other. She started to kiss him again; she didn't need any kind of confession from him.

EJ shook his head, "Wait."

"I've made us wait too long," Sami confessed, but he still held her at bay.

"I shouldn't have lied to you. I was afraid that once again you'd leave me if you knew the truth."

"I believed you when you told me you only knew an hour before the wedding."

"That was true, I did, but Kristen admitted something else to me that I kept from you and it's been killing me inside that I didn't tell you everything when you asked me the other day. All I had to do was admit the truth, but old habits die hard Samantha. Every time we've gotten so close to having it all I've done something to fuck things up between us and I was sure you would leave."

"I'm not going anywhere EJ. I told you I loved you. I didn't like what you did; you can lie, but don't lie to me. We're supposed to use our lying skills on other people not each other. We're a team; remember we're part of the pack."

"You still want to be part of the pack?" He smiled sadly and pulled her hair down from the messy bun she was sporting.

"Isn't it kind of obvious?" She looked at him like he was a tad bit crazy and he was to put up with her antics.

"Kristen drugged Eric, he didn't go to her of his own free will, but I swear I didn't know all the details. She shocked the hell out of me when I overheard her and then confronted her about it. It took some time to dig up all the facts after she skipped town, but I have them now."

"You'll give me the information to clear Eric?"

EJ nodded his head, "I know it's too little too late."

Sami shook her head, "It's never too late for us is it? That's why I had to come home today, to let you know I can't stay away from you anymore. I've missed you so much and even when you found out about Nick you didn't turn away from me. You told me you'd always be there for me. I want to be here for you too. I love you EJ."

"I love you too, but…"

"You're the man who told me when we were apart we were miserable and I've been so miserable without you. Each night we've spent apart I've wanted to come back to your bed, but my pride wouldn't let me. I dream of you each night."

"You do? I thought it was just me."

"I know I've given you plenty of reasons, but please don't let me go EJ. I couldn't let another second go by without you knowing how much I love you, how much I want to be back in your bed…"

"Did you change your mind about Tahiti?" EJ began to tease her.

"EJ, I'm trying to be serious."

"I am too; Tahiti would have been fantastic for Christmas, us on a deserted beach…"

"How about we go there on our honeymoon?"

"You still want to marry me?"

She held up her hand, "I didn't give back the ring this time did I?"

"No for once, you actually kept the jewelry I gave you…"

Sami smacked him playfully, "You are so going to get it."

"I hope so," EJ quipped.

"Shut up and kiss me," Sami demanded.

"Does this mean I'm actually going to get something beyond the coal that was left in my Christmas stocking?"

Sami smiled wickedly, "You have no idea what I have planned for you Mr. DiMera."

And with that being said, she gave EJ a Christmas present he would never forget.

_I've broken free from these memories_  
_I've let it go, I've let it go_  
_And two goodbyes, lend you this new life_  
_Don't let me go, don't let me go_

_Don't let me go, don't let me go, don't let me go, don't let me go_

_Won't let you go, don't let me go_  
_Won't let you go, don't let me go_

_Won't let you go, don't let me go  
Won't let you go, don't let me go_

_Finis_

_Let Me Go song lyrics by Avril Lavigne_


End file.
